We all suffer just about every day of our lives, whether from minor inconveniences, general anxieties, physical discomfort, or major losses and setbacks. Sometimes it can be easy to slip into patterns of thought that revolve around “why me?” and “why now?” thus causing us to fixate on our pains and misfortunes.
In today’s world, we face numerous social and economic pressures to prioritize our own desires over the collective well-being of all people. Capitalism breeds a culture in which we desire to be “one step ahead” of everyone else and are perpetually jealous of those with whom we cannot seem to catch up, whether in social status, economic standing, or any other marker of so-called “success.” These patterns of self-branding fuel constant comparison, leading to negative self-talk and ultimately, immense emotional turmoil. While it is important to set meaningful personal goals, when we become overly self-focused, we fall into a trap of believing that the world revolves around us.
In addition to socially constructed comparison-fueled suffering, we also experience real, unavoidable pains every day. Everything around us is in constant flux, and with change inevitably comes loss. We may grow distant from friends or family over time. We may lose abilities we once relied on or passion for things we once loved. Physical objects, money, and even jobs can and will slip away. We have all fallen ill as well as experienced the pain of a stubbed toe, a headache, or even a broken bone. And, of course, the most inevitable loss of all, the passing of loved ones, brings immense pain that touches every human life. The extent of the pains we experience varies significantly from person to person, with some of us experiencing more hardship than others throughout life.
Nevertheless, comparing the suffering that we experience to that of others is both unhealthy and unproductive, commonly resulting in increased anxiety, isolation, and further self-obsession. Our worth is not measured by the number of obstacles we have overcome or been lucky enough to avoid. But one thing is certain: the more we analyze our pain, the more we feed it. Whether in the form of dwelling or comparing, when we fixate on our own hardships and center our lives around them, we prolong our discomfort and feed cycles of overthinking. Modern psychology agrees; while reflection can be helpful, rumination only intensifies anxiety and depression. Buddhist wisdom shows that stepping outside the loop of self-fixation brings freedom.
The Buddha framed the pains of change, such as aging, loss, and disappointment, as the essential conditions of duhkha. By teaching about impermanence, he taught that just as pain is inevitable, so is its dissolution. When our minds cling to and replay painful experiences, they are intensified. When we understand that suffering is natural, and just as fleeting as it is inevitable, we can meet it with awareness instead of compounding it with rumination.
Similarly, the Buddha’s practice of non-self (Skt: anatman) allows us to experience the impermanent nature of our suffering through the understanding that we are not our experiences. Instead, we are a collection of constantly shifting, dynamic processes. While our experiences can certainly shape the way we navigate the world, they do not define or destroy us. When we choose to let go of our ideas of our “self,” we identify less with our suffering, which is an otherwise widespread way of framing our hardship.
For example, I have absolutely stated in the past that “I am an anxious person,” when in reality, anxiety is simply something that I have experienced. Nevertheless, attaching my entire identity to past feelings of anxiety has made those feelings much heavier and far more prominent in my life. Through the practice of non-self, I have learned to see uncomfortable thoughts and emotions, such as anxiety, as passing phenomena. Consequently, the weight of this suffering has eased considerably.
While reflecting on the nature of my suffering, I have gained a deeper understanding that excessively focusing on ourselves in almost any way, whether through self-criticism or even excessive self-celebration, makes us less happy and fulfilled. When our attention remains fixed on the self, life becomes a mirror that reflects only our own needs, desires, and anxieties. This creates a loop of comparison, judgment, and grasping that limits our capacity to feel contentment.
What we must do, put very simply, is let go. I do not simply mean letting go of our tendencies to dwell on our suffering. We must meet all of life with openness rather than control. While remaining mindful and intentional, we should refrain from grasping at pleasant experiences in the hope that they last forever. Similarly, we should not try to resist, avoid, or push away unpleasant experiences. By not clinging, the heart becomes lighter, more spacious, and more available for joy. Freedom arises not because life is perfect, but because we are not enslaved by craving or aversion.
The benefits of forgetting oneself and letting go of the desire for constant control are vast. As mentioned, when we refuse to allow our suffering to define us or be our whole stories, pain loses its grip and we can face it earnestly, which leads to wisdom rather than an ongoing cycle of more pain. This also creates more space in our hearts to hold compassion for others, understanding that not only are we all connected, but we all suffer as well. Thus, we should work together to understand and uplift one another while also experiencing joy in the simple things.
There are many ways to practice letting go and these small shifts can result in immense freedom. I recommend a simple yet consistent mindfulness meditation practice as a decisive first step in training the brain to notice phenomena without clinging or avoiding them. Similarly, practicing loving-kindness (Skt: maitri), both in meditation and while interacting with others, enhances our capacity for compassion. When we actively direct goodwill outward, everybody reaps the benefits and we find joy in helping others. Similarly, making acts of generosity and community service a regular practice provides us with a valuable perspective that allows us to understand the nature of suffering with a clearer mind. Likewise, just as the Buddha was moved by the suffering he witnessed, it may move us to continue working toward a more universally compassionate and equitable world, lifting the focus off ourselves, our pains, and our desires.
You are not the center of the universe, and neither am I. And that’s a great thing! When we loosen our grip on self-centered thinking, we open the door to experiences that are far more expansive and nourishing. Similarly, without a fixed self to protect, we don’t have to interpret every painful experience as a threat to “who we are.” This ultimately allows for fluidity, growth, and compassion for ourselves and others. Turning outward will enable us to notice the richness of the world around us: the kindness of others, the beauty in small moments, and the relief that comes from shared struggles. In releasing the constant “me-centered” narrative, we discover that connection, joy, compassion, and wisdom are not scarce resources to be achieved through self-improvement, but natural qualities that arise when our attention shifts beyond the boundaries of the self. In a culture obsessed with “me,” the most radical act is to forget yourself.
Related features from BDG
The Myth of “Being Spread Thin” – Unlocking Infinite Energy
Embodying Compassion and Questioning Our Assumptions about Suffering
Buddhism and Sports: The Art of Mindful Performance
