Last week, while on my walk, I thought about regret. I was not experiencing regret, rather I was contemplating some statements I had heard from others who were experiencing remorse. One was a friend having second thoughts about moving into a relationship too quickly, and another felt let down by someone on whom he had relied.
It seems pretty normal for each of us to look at choices we have made in our lives and think that perhaps we could have done things differently. I realize that, in some ways, I am using regret and remorse interchangeably—this is mostly because I started this thought process with the word regret in mind. When I looked for teachings on regret, I realized that the suttas I am referencing use the word remorse.
Regret often stems from a desire to escape future punishment or negative consequences. It is rooted in self-preservation; an instinctive reaction to the fear of repercussions that might arise from our past actions. Remorse centers on acknowledging the hurtful impact that our actions may have had on others. It is a more profound, empathetic response that arises from a place of compassion and understanding. Remorse allows us to reflect deeply on our choices and the pain that they may have caused, enabling us to cultivate a sense of responsibility and commitment to bettering ourselves. By fostering remorse, we move toward a more enlightened perspective, learning to avoid the hurtful actions that can lead to suffering for ourselves and those around us. Aha! So this is why the suttas mention remorse.
Consider Itivuttaka 2.3 and 2.4 from the Pali Canon; first, we learn what causes us to feel remorse.
This was said by the Blessed One, said by the Arahant, so I have heard: “There are these two things that cause remorse. Which two? There is the case of the person who has not done what is admirable, has not done what is skillful, has not given protection to those in fear, and instead has done what is evil, savage, & cruel. Thinking, ‘I have not done what is admirable,’ he feels remorse. Thinking, ‘I have done what is evil,’ he feels remorse. These are the two things that cause remorse.”
Having engaged
in bodily misconduct,
verbal misconduct,
misconduct of mind,[1]
or whatever else is flawed,
not having done what is skillful,
having done much that is not,
at the break-up of the body,
the undiscerning one reappears
in hell.When you know that you have been unskillful, when you have behaved badly, upon reflection, you will understand that you have harmed others.
To avoid remorse:
This was said by the Blessed One, said by the Arahant, so I have heard: “There are these two things that cause no remorse. Which two? There is the case of the person who has done what is admirable, has done what is skillful, has given protection to those in fear, and has done nothing that is evil, savage, or cruel. Thinking, ‘I have done what is admirable,’ he feels no remorse. Thinking, ‘I have not done what is evil,’ he feels no remorse. These are the two things that cause no remorse.”
Having abandoned
bodily misconduct,
verbal misconduct,
misconduct of mind,
& whatever else is flawed,
not having done what’s not skillful,
having done much that is,
at the break-up of the body,
the discerning one reappears
in heaven.
This is a valuable reminder to make choices and live your life in a way that you do not harm yourself or others—and not just so that you do not feel remorse. In the Anguttara Nikaya 11.1, the Kimattha Sutta teaches us the purpose of developing virtue. When living virtuously, you will not feel remorse. Virtue can become the basis for enlightenment. The Kimattha Sutta shows us how:
I have heard that on one occasion the Blessed One was staying near Savatthi in Jeta’s Grove, Anathapindika’s monastery. Then Ven. Ananda went to the Blessed One and on arrival, having bowed down to him, sat to one side. As he was sitting there he said to the Blessed One: “What is the purpose of skillful virtues? What is their reward?”
“Skillful virtues have freedom from remorse as their purpose, Ananda, and freedom from remorse as their reward.”
“And what is the purpose of freedom from remorse? What is its reward?”
“Freedom from remorse has joy as its purpose, joy as its reward.”
The sutta continues with joy and the fact that joy brings rapture, which leads to serenity and then to pleasure (not sensual pleasure), followed by concentration. From concentration comes knowledge and vision of things as they are and then disenchantment, dispassion, and finally knowledge and vision of release.
The sutta concludes: “In this way, Ananda, skillful virtues lead step-by-step to the consummation of arahantship.”
You can see that freedom from remorse is an important first step on your path. What about the challenges you face if you have unresolved remorse?
The obvious answer is don’t do things that create bad kamma. Don’t do things that will harm others. Then you will not have unresolved remorse. But you have a past.
What about what you could have done yet neglected to do? The opportunities you had to protect others from harm, or the opportunities you had to avoid creating negative kamma. The more time you spend dwelling on the past, the less time and energy you might be spending on your current and future thoughts and actions. Remember: your kamma is made up of your past + your current + your future. You do not know exactly when and how things will ripen, but you know that they will. You know the best answer is to have good thoughts and perform good acts.
Use equanimity to avoid overthinking about what you have done or failed to do. This is not to say you should not acknowledge your transgressions, learn what you can, and move forward. But if you trap yourself in a place of remorse, you could be punishing yourself unnecessarily.
In your life, you have opportunities to decide where and how you will take action. What you believe in and what you will or will not do to support what you believe in. What you will or will not do to support the rights of others. I hope that you can make choices that will keep you free from remorse.
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