The Roadside Dilemma: Cultivating Equanimity in Daily Life

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The Roadside Dilemma: Cultivating Equanimity in Daily Life

By Margaret Meloni, PhD
June 19, 2025

Imagine three scenarios in which people’s cars break down by the roadside. Our emotional responses will likely vary significantly based on our connection to them. A stranger? Mild compassion. A neighbor? More involvement. A best friend? Deep emotional turbulence.

Before we hit the road, let’s revisit equanimity—how it weaves together with metta (loving-kindness), karuna (compassion), and mudita (sympathetic joy)—and consider how we can practice equanimity in everyday life. Sometimes called the “crown” of the virtues, equanimity doesn’t stand above the others so much as it pervades them. Equanimity keeps metta from becoming overbearing, protects us from compassion fatigue, and tempers our sympathetic joy so that it doesn’t tip into unrestrained exuberance. Because of equanimity, we can celebrate someone’s good fortune one week, and the next respond with genuine compassion when that same friend faces hardship.

Our inner climate tends to shift according to what’s unfolding around us and the role we imagine ourselves playing in any given moment.

Let’s illustrate this with a simple story in three scenes. Imagine you’re driving to work and, by the roadside, you see that a stranger’s car has broken down. You slow down, recognize the difficulty of their situation, and think, “I’m so sorry this happened; I hope help arrives soon.” In that moment, you feel compassion and extend a silent wish: “May they be safe, may things improve.” You might even call a tow truck or stop to check if they need assistance, translating your compassion into action. Yet as you continue on your way, your mood remains largely unaltered. You experienced metta and karuna, but equanimity prevents you from becoming overwhelmed or stuck in worry for this person you didn’t know.

A little further along the road, you encounter your neighbor stranded with a flat tire. Your connection to them is stronger. You pull over, offer tools or a ride, and inquire about their plans. You genuinely wish them ease, and perhaps you say inwardly: “I hope their day isn’t wrecked.” This time, your attention lingers longer. You may circle back in the evening to see how they fared or send a quick text to check in. The waves of feeling are a bit stronger here; you care more deeply, so sustaining perfect balance feels slightly more challenging. If, however, you remain aware—“This isn’t all on me; I’ll help with what I can and then let it rest”—you’re practicing equanimity. You help wholeheartedly, then gently release the situation rather than allow it to shadow your entire day.

Finally, picture coming across your best friend stranded on that same stretch of road. You see them crying; your chest tightens. You leap from your car, wrap them in a hug, and find yourself close to tears. You offer rides, lend emotional support, and even research repair shops on the spot. And yes, you’ll follow up with phone calls, texts, maybe even drop off dinner that evening. Kindness and compassion run deep here, but equanimity can feel elusive: your emotional investment is so intense that the incident may replay in your mind, color your thoughts, or stir anxiety about your friend’s well-being. You wish more than ever for their safety and comfort, yet the very closeness that fuels your metta and karuna also makes it harder to maintain undisturbed balance.

What differentiates our responses in these three scenarios is not the presence or absence of kindness and compassion, but the degree of personal attachment and emotional intensity. For many of us, when someone is “not me, not mine,” it’s easier to engage from a balanced center. As intimacy and investment grow, we naturally feel our emotions more intensely. Equanimity isn’t about suppressing love or compassion; it’s about cultivating a spacious awareness that allows us to care deeply without becoming overwhelmed.

Here are a few thoughts on how to nurture equanimity in daily life:

1. Notice “not-self” at work. Consciously remind yourself: “This situation is not my own; these feelings can arise and pass.”

2. Recall the stranger-neighbor-friend spectrum. Observe how proximity affects your emotional balance and use the first scenario (the stranger) as a model when you feel overextended.

3. Offer help with an open hand. When you act out of kindness, do so fully, and then allow yourself to let the event go, trusting that you’ve done your part.

4. Keep a gentle journal. Briefly record moments of compassionate action and note whether you remained centered. Celebrate successes and learn from times when you felt unbalanced.

Throughout your day, your week, your month, or your year, there will be countless situations in which you can practice. Each time you meet difficulty with an open heart and a calm mind, you reinforce the capacity for balanced kindness. Give yourself credit for those moments and gently guide yourself back to equanimity whenever you stray. In this way, loving-kindness, compassion, and sympathetic joy all flourish under the steady light of a mind that remains unshaken.

Margaret Meloni, PhD

Margaret Meloni is a Theravada Buddhist practitioner, businessperson, and the author of Carpooling with Death: How living with Death will make you Stronger, Wiser and Fearless. One day, while navigating the demands of everyday life; she realized that more significant challenges were coming her way. She began to realize that the people she loved were going to die. Her mother-in-law, Lee, was in her 90s, her parents were approaching their 80s, and her husband, Ed, had already outlived his father. She had already said goodbye to others. She began to wonder, “How can I handle losing the people I love the most?” The answer to her question came from her reliance on her Buddhist practice. Now that she has made friends with death, her goal is to help all of us to accept death as an essential part of life. Death Dhamma is published monthly.

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