Do you still make New Year’s resolutions? Or have previous “failures” eroded your faith in well-meaning intentions and the ability to see them through? I invite you to have another go using a somewhat counter-intuitive approach to changing behavior—one that honors our resisting parts, rather than forcing them into submission.
It’s less to do with exercising will power, but rather wising up to how our psyche really works: as a system that thrives on compassionate enquiry every step of the way. I am drawing on the methods of NVC (Nonviolent or Compassionate Communication) and IFS (Internal Family Systems), and underlying it all is my understanding and practice of the Dharma.
Let me offer a personal, even somewhat embarrassing example: chocolate! I love dark chocolate, particularly the kinds with almonds or hazelnuts. It’s hard to dislike chocolate given the many psycho-active, mood-boosting ingredients, and the way it melts in your mouth, coating your tongue with comfort. Its layered taste and perfect balance of fat and sugar is designed to be irresistible! Having type 1 diabetes means I need to always carry sugary food with me for low-blood-sugar episodes, and the complex taste of chocolate is far more appealing than the intense sugariness of glucose tablets. To be honest, the high-fat content isn’t ideal because it slows glucose absorption. Even so, it’s a good enough excuse to always have chocolate in the house.
I have, however, been wanting to eat less chocolate for a while, or more accurately, a part of me has been nagging myself to do so, as it is better for my health. I would like to lower my cholesterol levels and reduce my weight. Let’s see how NVC (compassionate communication) may be helpful, with its framework of Observation, Feeling, Need, and Request (I have given a fuller overview of this system in previous articles).
Observation: I have got into the habit of finishing off my lunch and supper with a piece of chocolate, or two . . . or . . . !
Feeling: When I observe this pattern, I feel concerned and discouraged. Yet in the moment of eating, I feel satisfied and soothed.
Need: There is a range of needs at play here: I’m wishing for health, energy, and vitality, and for self-respect in seeing through an intention. And of course, the chocolate-reaching behavior is also trying to meet needs: for comfort, for pleasure, and for satisfaction.
Request: Could I find ways to meet all those needs—the need for bodily care, the need for comfort and ease, and for self-respect?
So my resolution isn’t “stop eating chocolate.” It is: “Let’s see how I can create conditions where all my needs can be taken into account—the need for health and the need for enjoyment.” This immediately feels more attractive and promising: my system likes the friendliness, curiosity, and respect brought to all its components, as well as the open-endedness of the request. Within that, I am hearing a part that is skeptical: “Are you kidding yourself? This softly-softly approach is never going to work!”
Whenever I encounter an inner critic of any kind, I draw on a slightly different approach: IFS parts work. What I’m discovering is that while NVC shows me what needs are at play, IFS helps me be in a friendly relationship with parts trying to meet those needs, in however hidden ways. In a nutshell, IFS consists of meeting all parts of myself with respect, curiosity, and kindness, from a place of “Self” energy that is abundant with positive qualities. It is awareness itself; spacious, creative, patient, and compassionate, able to smile at the antics of my small “self” in its various manifestations and offer a clarifying dialogue.
S (Self): How do you feel?
P (skeptical part): Pretty tense and a little despairing of you—you have tried so often and see the results: none!? You’re just weak and trying to cover it up with these new-fangled methods. It’s hopeless, but I keep trying to get you to resist your craving. It’s quite exhausting.
S: I see how hard you’re working. And it’s clear you want the best for me. Like, you really would like me to be slimmer?
P: Yes, I would like you to feel lighter on your feet, with less pressure on your ageing joints. And to like your image in the mirror.
S: Oh, I really get that you care about my mobility as I grow older, and my self-respect and self-acceptance. (Takes some time to connect with these qualities). Thanks for that.
P: Hey, do you really mean that? I don’t often get thanked. (Takes in the gratitude.)
S: (Lingers with that taste of compassionate connection). I am enjoying getting to know you more. Is there anything else on your mind?
P: It would be good if you could follow through on your resolve to eat less chocolate.
S: So that I can enjoy a sense of effectiveness, integrity and self-respect? (Again, giving some space to the qualities to be enjoyed in the moment.)
P: Exactly. (Taking in the feeling of being understood.)
S: You know, all these things matter to me too—health, mobility, integrity, effectiveness, self-respect. And I have quite a few resources to help see through my intention. Can you feel that?
P: Yes, I do and I am actually starting to feel more relaxed about this matter.
S: That’s very good to know. Thanks for the conversation—and I am happy to talk again, if you like.
Slowing down and giving mindful attention to each step of the way helps enormously in establishing the kind of deeper understanding of inner processes and agents that, in the end, turn out to be transformational. It really is not about eating zero chocolate, or about the critic winning or losing, but finding a middle way, characterized by mindful presence. I attend to the observations (without judgement or exaggeration), the feelings (allowing them, as we need their energy), the needs (wonderful, life-giving states of mind and body) and the requests (doable, respectful of all parts). I can then deepen my understanding of the various actors involved, for example by conversing with a resisting part, like my inner skeptic. Or I might engage in a fuller dialogue with the chocolate-lover or the health-advocate. This all takes some time and careful attunement, and I really think it’s worth it.
At some point, some practical solutions emerge in the way of lightly held experiments. For example, for a few weeks I have not been buying chocolate bars to keep at home or in my bag. Instead, I carry dried apricots or mangos for potential hypoglycemia. They work better anyway, and I genuinely enjoy them. I still drink the occasional hot chocolate—without much sugar—or have a dessert of chocolate ice cream once or twice a week. I congratulate myself for these small changes. I think the main gain in this process is the more relaxed inner attitude, actually enjoying the kindness, creativity, and nimbleness of working with inner energies and parts. This makes it less likely that I need the serotonin released by chocolate in order to feel nourished and thriving.
Do you have something you’d like to change and are struggling to get started? I hope this article gives you some ideas for galvanizing your energy for any New Year’s resolutions in new, experimental, and playful ways. You could try journaling conversations with inner parts—I have found this great fun. This work also deepens with guidance—I offer both, individual sessions and an online day retreat (28 December) combining meditation with these reflective practices. I wish you a truly Happy New Year, where all parts of you feel ever more deeply understood and cared for, and join forces towards the realization of your dreams.
The Best of It
By Kay Ryan
However carved up
or pared down we get,
we keep on making
the best of it as though
it doesn’t matter that
our acre’s down to
a square foot. As
though our garden
could be one bean
and we’d rejoice if
it flourishes, as
though one bean
could nourish us.
See more
Day Retreat: Letting Go (Everyday Mindfulness)
Related features from BDG
A Buddhist Look at Wanting, Having, and the Stories We’re Sold
Resetting Our “New Year, New Me” Mindset
Buddhistdoor View: The Bodhisattva Vows – Endlessly Renewing Resolutions
Wise Resolutions for the New Year
The Promise of Fabulousness
