The Korean Seon (Zen) master Venerable Pomnyun Sunim (법륜스님) wears many hats: Buddhist monk, teacher, author, environmentalist, and social activist, to name a few.* As a widely respected Dharma teacher and a tireless socially engaged activist in his native South Korea, Ven. Pomnyun Sunim has founded numerous Dharma-based organizations, initiatives, and projects that are active across the world. Among them, Jungto Society, a volunteer-based community founded on the Buddhist teachings and expressing equality, simple living, and sustainability, is dedicated to addressing modern social issues that lead to suffering, including environmental degradation, poverty, and conflict.
This column, shared by Jungto Society, presents highlights from Ven. Pomnyun Sunim’s writings, teachings, public talks, and regular live-streamed Dharma Q+A sessions, which are accessible across the globe.
The following teachings were given on 9 September 2024 in Perth, Australia.
After an introductory video about Ven. Pomnyun Sunim’s work ended, he walked onto the stage to a round of applause and cheers and began the Dharma conversation with a smile.
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: I’m not sure how long it has been since I last came to Perth. I think it’s been about seven years. . . . My first visit to Perth was in 2014, when I gave talks in 115 places around the world in 115 days, moving to a different country or city every day. That was my first time in Perth. I came again in 2017. So this must be my third visit. Have you all been well since then?
Childhood trauma and filial obligation
Q: I grew up with a hearing-impaired father and a mother with unconventional thoughts. As a child, I experienced domestic violence from my father and neglect from my mother’s indifference.
Fortunately, with help from others, I grew up bright and cheerful without becoming too twisted. I began to understand that my parents acted that way due to their own childhood wounds and unfortunate environments, which reduced my resentment toward them.
However, their existence still feels like a burden in my life. Eventually, wanting to live well on my own, I left my parents and came to Australia. Currently, I don’t particularly take care of my parents, only occasionally checking if they’re alive. But I wonder if it’s okay to live like this.
I want to love them but don’t want to be hurt again. However, I’m concerned about regretting it after they pass away. As a child, to what extent should I care for my parents? How can I avoid regret later?”
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: As long as you don’t harm, hurt, or abuse your parents, there’s no inherent duty that a child must fulfill toward their parents. You don’t have to do anything. This is true even from a natural ecosystem perspective.
In nature, when a mother gives birth, an instinct to protect the offspring arises. This is called the instinct for species preservation. Without this instinct, the species would become extinct. It’s because of this instinct that the species can continue to exist on Earth.
However, in no species in the natural ecosystem do offspring care for their parents. No matter how old, the relationship between adults is equal. But offspring that haven’t become adults are not yet independent people because their lives are maintained by the mother’s care. When the offspring grow up and become adults, they become equal to their mothers.
Humans sometimes abandon their own offspring instead of raising them, but this can be seen as an error due to mental illness rather than an ecological instinct. We call this an evil act. We don’t discuss good and evil regarding actions based on ecological instincts. We only discuss good and evil for actions resulting from mental factors.
A child caring for elderly parents falls under the category of good deeds that don’t exist in ecological instincts. So we call such actions “good.” If we do bad things that even animals don’t do, we call it “evil,” and if we do good things that animals don’t do, we call it “good.” If we do what animals do, it’s neither good nor evil, but a natural instinct. Good and evil can only be spoken of regarding artificial actions.
When healthy people care for the sick, when those with plenty share with the hungry, when educated people teach the uneducated, when adults care for children, when young people care for the elderly, when healthy people care for the disabled—all of these actions are called good deeds. These actions, which don’t exist in the animal ecosystem, are all artificial behaviors.
Such good deeds are not obligatory but optional. Parents raising their children is an instinctive behavior for all animals in the natural ecosystem, so it’s obligatory. Therefore, not caring for one’s own children is an evil act. Evil acts must be stopped. That’s why there’s an old saying: “Encourage good and punish evil.” Good deeds are only encouraged. Not doing a good deed doesn’t equal a bad deed. This is because good deeds are not natural instincts but are formed through human education.
If the questioner weren’t human, not caring for parents wouldn’t be a problem at all. But the questioner grew up receiving an education about doing good deeds. Because you were educated that children should care for their parents, you feel guilty when you don’t care for them. If you could completely erase these lessons from your brain and forget, there would be no problem! [Laughs]
However, because we’ve learned the good deed of caring for our parents, we feel guilty when we don’t care for them. This guilt doesn’t arise from actually committing a sin. Do you feel guilty after spending a night with someone you’re attracted to? If it was consensual, you don’t feel guilty. But if a monk or priest spends a night with someone they like, they feel guilty. Why does the same act sometimes create guilt and sometimes not? It’s because we’ve set standards called precepts that say “certain actions shouldn’t be done.” People who have promised to keep these precepts feel guilty when they break them. Similarly, feeling guilty for not caring for parents is due to having standards formed through education.
While not caring for parents can’t be considered a sin by natural ecosystem standards, as humans we can feel guilty due to learning. So it’s better to do good deeds—not for your parents, but to free yourself from guilt. Making phone calls, sending some pocket money—doing these things is not so much to help your parents but to feel less troubled after they pass away. It’s a way to prevent future suffering.
Anyway, your parents fed and cared for you since you were young. Parents also feel angry, irritated, and sometimes hit their children because they themselves are struggling. As such, most of us have wounds from our parents. At the same time, we have received grace from our parents. That’s why the most troublesome of relationships is between parents and their children. If it were strangers, you could just avoid meeting them when you dislike them, but with parents, the relationship doesn’t end even if you don’t meet. This is because we receive grace from parents.
So you might think you should care for them since you’ve received grace, but when you actually meet and talk, the wounds reopen. Memories of being scolded or hit in the past come up. Even just hearing their voice can reopen wounds. Meeting leads to fighting, parting leads to regret, meeting again leads to fighting, parting again leads to regret—this cycle repeats in our lives during the relationship between parents and children.
You don’t need to feel too guilty for not caring for your parents. However, even if you try not to feel guilty, because the standard that you should care for your parents has been unconsciously formed through education, you can’t help but feel guilty when your parents pass away. To feel less guilty, it’s good to call them now, give them some pocket money, or visit them occasionally even if it leads to arguments. This way, you’ll have fewer regrets after your parents pass away. As the old saying goes: “The unfilial son cries the most at the funeral.” Those who cry a lot at funerals are usually those who couldn’t properly care for their parents while they were alive. [Laughs]
. . .
Your father’s tendency to become angry easily could be due to hearing impairment. There’s an old saying in rural areas: “Only the deaf fight with sickles.” This is because not being able to hear makes one frustrated. So if you understand that your father gets angry a lot because he can’t hear well and feels frustrated, it’s not really a big problem. It might have been hurtful when you were young, but as an adult you can understand that parents are also human beings who can’t help but act in certain ways. They’re neither someone to hate nor pity. . . .
First, therefore, it’s important that you live well yourself. From your parents’ perspective, seeing their child doing well is the best thing. Second, if you have some extra money, send them even a small amount as pocket money with your heart in it, make phone calls, and when you have a chance to visit [home], meet them—even if it’s just for a short time. Doing these things is not only for your parents but ultimately for yourself when you think about the future. It would be good to have this perspective.
Q: Thank you.
Overcoming tedium
Q: As I get older, it seems like there are fewer and fewer things to laugh about. Looking around, I don’t think it’s just me. Sunim, you must have heard various stories from many people. I’m curious about your big data-based answer on how people overcome this tedium and live their lives.
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: Feeling tedium means that nothing much is happening. It’s a good thing. If suddenly your child fell ill and had to be rushed to the hospital, or you had a car accident, or you or your spouse were diagnosed with cancer, or your company caught fire, would you be able to feel tedium?
Q: No.
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: Saying you feel tedium means that externally, nothing much is happening and you’re comfortable. In other words, you’re bored. When you’re this bored, something will definitely happen. Because you need to escape from boredom. This psychological state unconsciously invites calamity. Something needs to happen for the tedium to disappear.
So when your children are doing well in school, your spouse is fine, and your business is going well—that is, when nothing much is happening—that’s when you should practice more diligently, give more to others, and do more volunteer work. This doesn’t necessarily prevent calamities from happening, but having an attitude of sharing can help prevent them.
But when nothing is happening, you tend to think, “Well, I don’t need to practice anymore, I’m doing fine,” and you stop practicing and volunteering. Then, when calamity strikes, you panic and start praying frantically again. To stay healthy, is it better to treat an illness after it occurs or to prevent it?
Q: Prevention is better.
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: Prevention is indeed the best. What’s the key to prevention? Is it being in a state where there are no pathogens at all? Or is it building your immunity so that you can overcome any pathogens? Building immunity is true prevention.
Similarly, it’s not a blessing if nothing ever happens to you. When accidents happen here and there, when this and that occur, and you can handle this one way and that another way, that’s when you build immunity. Some days you work late, some days you finish early—all these situations are just part of human life. Having the inner strength to view things this way is immunity. With this perspective, nothing is a problem—no matter what happens.
But people without immunity make a fuss if just one thing doesn’t go their way. If you look at what people pray for when they go to fortune tellers, it’s mostly “Please make everything sterile.” They pray, “Please let nothing happen.” But if nothing ever happened, could human civilization have progressed? It’s because of floods and droughts that we developed technologies to dig wells, build dams, and create levees. If rain always fell appropriately, humans wouldn’t need to develop civilization. We could just live as things are given. As British historian Arnold Toynbee said, history is a series of challenges and responses.
So it’s good for you to have some stimulation. But you’re lazy and keep thinking, “I wish nothing would happen.” Yet when nothing happens, you feel tedium and become bored. That’s why during periods of tedium, whether you’re a woman or a man, you might be tempted to have an affair or fall into gambling.
When you’re bored and think, “Isn’t there anything fun to do?” accidents happen. At such times, you should practice more diligently or do more volunteer work at church or temple. Read books, tend to your garden so you’re not bored. By doing so, you can prevent calamities.
Q: Thank you.
After responding to many questions, Ven. Pomnyun Sunim gave his closing remarks.
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: Was it interesting and beneficial?
If it’s only beneficial and not interesting, it’s boring. If it’s only interesting and not beneficial, there’s nothing left when you open the door and leave after the lecture. The truth is both interesting and beneficial. Being interesting means it’s good now, and being beneficial means it’s good later.
Our lives should be good both now and later. But we often either struggle now for the sake of the future, or enjoy now and struggle later. If we’re too emotional, we enjoy now but suffer later, and if we’re too rational, we live a hard life now to be good later.
Practice means being good both now and later. The result should be good, but the process should be good too. So don’t live too tensely, trying too hard and gritting your teeth. But that doesn’t mean you should live recklessly either. I’d like to suggest that you live a little more lightly.
* Buddhist Monk Ven. Pomnyun Sunim Awarded the 37th Niwano Peace Prize (BDG)
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