The Korean Seon (Zen) master Venerable Pomnyun Sunim (법륜스님) wears many hats: Buddhist monk, teacher, author, environmentalist, and social activist, to name a few.* As a widely respected Dharma teacher and a tireless socially engaged activist in his native South Korea, Ven. Pomnyun Sunim has founded numerous Dharma-based organizations, initiatives, and projects that are active across the world. Among them, Jungto Society, a volunteer-based community founded on the Buddhist teachings and expressing equality, simple living, and sustainability, is dedicated to addressing modern social issues that lead to suffering, including environmental degradation, poverty, and conflict.
This column, shared by Jungto Society, presents highlights from Ven. Pomnyun Sunim’s writings, teachings, public talks, and regular live-streamed Dharma Q+A sessions, which are accessible across the globe.
The following teachings were given on 8 September 2024 in Melbourne, Australia.
Your suffering is the topic of conversation
Taking to the stage to a sustained round of applause, Ven. Pomnyun Sunim began his Dharma talk by explaining the method and purpose of the Dharma Q&A format.
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: A Dharma Q&A is not a formal question-and-answer session where questions are prepared in advance and specific answers are given. It’s more like a conversation between friends over a cup of tea. When one friend shares a concern, saying, “Friend, I have this problem,” there may not be a specific answer, but through the conversation, the person’s doubts, stress, or suffering can be somewhat resolved. That’s what we call a Dharma Q&A. Therefore, there’s no set topic for this conversation.
Many people often mistakenly refer to it as “immediate question and answer” or ask, “How do you give such precise answers, Sunim?” This shows a complete misunderstanding of the purpose of a Dharma Q&A. It’s simply a conversation.
You can ask about knowledge-based topics, but I don’t think we need to include such topics in our conversation, especially given our limited time. In the past, when encyclopedias were hard to come by, it was necessary to ask experts in specific fields. Nowadays, you can easily find any information on the internet, so there’s no need to spend precious time discussing purely factual matters.
However, when it comes to life’s concerns, searching the internet doesn’t provide satisfactory solutions. So, in today’s session, we can discuss life’s concerns, and there are no restrictions on the topics. Whatever is troubling you right now is the topic of conversation. There’s no need to feel self-conscious of others. Don’t worry, “What will others think if I ask this question?” Please feel comfortable asking your questions.
I want to have a baby, but my partner already has three children
Q: After breaking up with my boyfriend of 10 years last year, I met a man this year, at nearly 40 years old, whom I want to marry, have a child, and start a family. However, this man is a divorced father with three children and is skeptical about having more children. When he talks about his children and smiles happily, I hope that he could talk about our child like that too. I will choose this man even if he doesn’t want children. But it makes me sad to think that I won’t be able to share the experience of raising a child with him. Because of my age, I feel more distressed that this might be my last chance to have a child. How can I accept that I can’t have what I want and continue to maintain a healthy relationship with this man?
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: I can understand your perspective. However, from a general point of view, if you’re going to marry a man with three children, you should consider those three children as your own. It would be selfish to insist on having your own child when he doesn’t want to. If you want to have your own child, you should either give up on this man, or if you want to marry him, you should accept his three children as your own.
Raising a newborn baby requires a lot of energy, so wouldn’t it be wiser to accept three already grown children as your own? What do you think? If it were me, I’d marry a grandmother instead of a young woman. Then I’d have grandchildren all at once! [Laughter] When you marry, those three children become your children, so why go through the trouble of having and raising a baby?
Your desire to have your own child now is somewhat selfish and unwise. If you want to marry this man, even if he suggests having a child, you should say, “You already have three children, why have more? Let’s focus on raising the children we have well!” This approach would deepen your love. You’re free to have a baby, but you need to change your perspective.
If you really want to have a baby, you could live together and, without discussing it with the man, find an opportune moment to have a baby discreetly. What could the man do then? Why discuss it? While men can’t control having babies, if a woman wants to have a baby, she can find a way to do so. If the man raises an issue, you can just say, “We were careful, but it happened!” [Laughter]
Q: I understand. I’m living alone in Australia, and after ending a 10-year relationship with my ex-boyfriend, I feel lonely living in this vast land. How can a woman living alone abroad overcome loneliness and become independent?
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: Then move to Fiji, it’s an island country northeast of New Zealand. It’s a smaller land, so you won’t feel lonely there. But what does the size of the land have to do with feeling lonely? [Laughter]
Q: Sometimes I feel scared living alone abroad.
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: Then you can go back to Korea.
Q: Yes, I could do that.
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: Since you can go back to Korea if needed, you shouldn’t try to have everything while living abroad. Wanting to be a monk, waiting to marry, wanting to raise children—these are all desires. When you move abroad, shouldn’t you give up the desire to be part of the majority? As an immigrant, you can’t be part of the racial or linguistic majority. You have to accept being a minority. If you don’t like being a minority, you can go back to Korea. There, you automatically become part of the majority, so why keep coming abroad and complaining about being treated as a minority? If there’s a real violation of human rights because you’re a minority, you should raise the issue. For example, if you’re denied a job or entry to a restaurant because you’re a minority, you should protest and seek improvement within the bounds of the law. However, cultural issues are something you have to accept.
Also, if you marry a man with three children and feel jealous when he’s happy about his children, you shouldn’t get into such a marriage in the first place. If you feel bad or suspicious when you see him meeting and eating with the children’s mother, you shouldn’t marry him. Don’t you think a father of three should maintain a good relationship with the children’s mother for the sake of the children?
Q: Yes, he gets along very well with the children’s mother.
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: If you’re jealous of him getting along well with the children’s mother, you shouldn’t get married. Also, you’ve been in a relationship for 10 years, which is practically a marriage without the legal registration. Why are you talking as if this is your first marriage? You’re being very self-centered in your perspective. You should think, “I’m remarrying too. I was in a marriage-like relationship for 10 years, but without children.” [Laughter]
Having a newborn baby now would be a burden for both of you. It’s easiest to just accept someone else’s children as your own. Anyway, when they turn 20, you’ll have to send them all out of the house. These are children who will have to leave home soon. So it seems you don’t need to worry too much about it.
Q: I think what you’re saying is right. Thank you, Sunim.
The lecture concluded with a round of applause and a promise from Ven. Pomnyun Sunim to return. A book-signing session was held for audience members, with many people expressing gratitude to Ven. Pomnyun Sunim, saying that they received a lot of help from watching his Dharma Q&As online during difficult times.
* Buddhist Monk Ven. Pomnyun Sunim Awarded the 37th Niwano Peace Prize (BDG)
See more
Pomnyun
Jungto Society
JTS Korea
JTS America
International Network of Engaged Buddhists
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