The Korean Seon (Zen) master Venerable Pomnyun Sunim (법륜스님) wears many hats: Buddhist monk, teacher, author, environmentalist, and social activist, to name a few.* As a widely respected Dharma teacher and a tireless socially engaged activist in his native South Korea, Ven. Pomnyun Sunim has founded numerous Dharma-based organizations, initiatives, and projects that are active across the world. Among them, Jungto Society, a volunteer-based community founded on the Buddhist teachings and expressing equality, simple living, and sustainability, is dedicated to addressing modern social issues that lead to suffering, including environmental degradation, poverty, and conflict.
This column, shared by Jungto Society, presents highlights from Ven. Pomnyun Sunim’s writings, teachings, public talks, and regular live-streamed Dharma Q+A sessions, which are accessible across the globe.
The following teachings were given on 6 September 2024 in Sydney, Australia.
A conversation that dissolves suffering as we talk
As an introductory video about Ven. Pomnyun Sunim ended, he walked onto the stage to enthusiastic applause.
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: Buddhism has become highly religious in nature. As a result, many people have come to believe that if you pray to the Buddha for blessings, you will receive them. However, the Buddha primarily engaged in conversations with people. The scriptures are collections of these dialogues. Even on his deathbed, the Buddha said to his disciples, “If you have any doubts, ask.” But no one asked. So he said again, “If you have any doubts, ask. What use is there in regretting not asking after I’m gone? So ask freely.” When the disciples still didn’t ask, he said, “Ask as comfortably as you would ask a friend.” Following this original format, we have arranged this opportunity for dialogue.
As we engage in such conversations, our worries may be resolved, our suffering may be alleviated, or our stress may be relieved. We call this kind of conversation that dissolves suffering a “Dharma talk.” In Pali, it’s called “Dhamma.” Dhamma means truth. So we can also call a conversation that dissolves suffering a “Dhamma talk.”
There’s no correct answer for how to live life. You can live as you please. However, even if you live as you please, you shouldn’t harm others. If we use others, we call it a bad action because it causes harm to them. If we use ourselves, we call it a foolish action because it causes harm to us. In Buddhism, this is expressed as “ignorance.” Buddhism always uses the self as the standard, so it rarely uses the word “bad” and often uses the word “foolish.” For example, if I steal someone’s item worth $1,000 and end up in jail or have to pay $10,000 in compensation, that’s a loss-making action, isn’t it? From others’ perspective it’s expressed as a bad action, and from my perspective it’s expressed as a foolish action.
A person who realizes their own foolishness and acts to prevent losses is called a “wise person.” In Buddhism, “wisdom” is valued the most. Rather than emphasizing good deeds, it emphasizes wisdom. Our conversation today can be seen as a process of finding out what is wiser. Let’s begin our conversation.
How should I manage my mind when panic occurs?
Q: I experience some discomfort when flying or public transportation because of panic disorder symptoms. The hospital recommended counseling, which I’m currently receiving. When the symptoms start, my mind goes blank and I can’t practice mindfulness as I usually do. Then, instinctively, I start praying for help. The object of my prayer is Jesus, and it’s very effective. However, after my condition improves due to prayer, I experience a reality check. This is because I’m not a Christian. I’m a graduate of a Buddhist university and I practice mindfulness. In the Bible, there’s a verse that says, “I will be with you.” As a practitioner, I should stand alone as the master of my life without relying on anything, but for someone like me who is mentally vulnerable and needs to hold onto something in moments of crisis that occur frequently, how should I spend those moments?
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: There’s a Korean saying: “The hawk is the best pheasant catcher.” It means that what’s most important is achieving actual results. Similarly, what’s important for you is that your illness gets better, not whether you pray to the Buddha, Jesus, or God. Perhaps because you attended church when you were young, you unconsciously develop faith in Jesus. No matter how much you say you’re a Buddhist or a practitioner on the surface, when it comes to Jesus, you unconsciously develop faith. Conversely, even if someone claims to be a Christian, they might not feel anything when singing hymns or reading the Bible, but they might develop faith when they visit a temple.
Our consciousness and unconsciousness often don’t align. When someone visits, we might outwardly welcome them, but inwardly feel uncomfortable. This means our unconscious is rejecting them. On the other hand, when our unconscious aligns with our consciousness, we can say that our mind becomes at ease. So there’s no need to reject it.
In cases of mental illness, sometimes when a shaman performs a ritual or receives divine possession, it actually makes the person feel better. Usually, when we talk about science, it needs to work almost 99 per cent of the time for us to call it science or a principle. But these divine possessions sometimes work and sometimes don’t, and they work for less than one in 10 people. We can’t recommend such things to others. I once had a chronic illness and received treatment in a dream. In the dream, I went to a hospital, but there was no doctor. I often leave if my primary doctor isn’t there, but an unfamiliar doctor told me to receive treatment while I was there, so I did. After waking up from that dream, my illness was completely cured. When I went to my primary doctor, they asked what I had done and said my symptoms had greatly improved. This can be said to be something working in the unconscious.
If such a phenomenon occurs while calling on Ksitigarbha Bodhisattva, they say we “received the grace of Ksitigarbha,” if it happens while calling on Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva, they say we “received the grace of Avalokitesvara,” and if it happens while calling on God, they say we “received God’s grace.” When analyzed psychologically, all these phenomena can be seen to be occurring due to the influence of the unconscious.
So for someone with anxiety, it’s good to pray like this: “I am at peace. Thank you.” If you’re a Christian, you can pray: “I am at peace. God, thank you.” Here, God or Buddha isn’t the key, but it’s important that you keep giving suggestions to your unconscious. Even if you’re anxious, if you keep bowing and suggesting “I am at peace,” this has the effect of influencing your unconscious. Although there are many side effects, the reason religions exist in this world is because, although not as high a probability as science, these effects appear, depending on the person.
Statistics show that one out of a thousand stage 4 terminal cancer patients can experience spontaneous remission, and this phenomenon actually occurs. On average, one in a thousand people facing death has the possibility of coming back to life. Now, if that one person was a Buddhist, it becomes a miracle by Buddha’s grace. If they were a Christian, it becomes a miracle by God. If that person happened to listen to a monk’s Q&A and prayed and got better, it becomes the grace of that monk.
There are always variables like this in nature. That’s why nowadays, when forecasting weather, they don’t say “it will rain” or “it won’t rain,” but “there’s a certain chance of rain.” When treating patients, they say “your probability of living for one year is this per cent,” “your probability of living more than five years is this per cent.”
From that perspective, if you have such symptoms, it’s good to heal that illness in that way. It’s not right to approach it like “I’m a practitioner, so I reject Jesus.” There’s a Chinese saying: “What does it matter if the cat is black or white as long as it catches mice?” When Deng Xiaoping said this, he meant don’t stick too much to communism, let’s accept a capitalist market economy if it’s efficient.
Let’s say your eyes are bad so you go to the hospital, and the doctor who treats the best happens to be a Christian. Is it better not to receive treatment because you’re a Buddhist? When treating eyes, what’s important is whether the doctor is good at treating eyes, not what religion the doctor follows. So if you find that method of prayer helpful, you can just pray that way and receive help.
However, there are two things to consider here. You don’t need to reject it because you’re not a Christian, and, conversely, you don’t need to think you should convert to Christianity because it has this effect. Just because someone who couldn’t be cured got better after a shaman’s ritual doesn’t mean everyone will get better if they do a shaman’s ritual.
I never talk about testimonies or personal experiences about any disease. Why? Because it’s not something that can be explained by any law, but something that happened due to psychological phenomena. If I keep talking about such experiences, your minds won’t become wiser but foolish, thinking. “Ah, so that’s how diseases are cured!” The Buddha’s teaching is about enlightening the foolish to make them wise. It’s not about making the wise foolish. That’s why the Buddha denied all supernatural powers and mysteries. It’s not that such phenomena don’t exist, but talking about them makes people foolish. That’s why the precepts say, “Don’t read palms, physiognomy, foot shapes, or tell fortunes about past lives or fate.” It’s also forbidden to show any supernatural powers.
But what about today? People call a monk great if they can show some supernatural powers. If they can’t perform supernatural feats, people say, “They’re a fake monk.” However, the Buddha’s original teaching always focuses on making humans wise.
So there’s no problem with you keeping that coping method as a useful tool. That level of practice doesn’t hinder you from being a Buddhist at all. If you want to become a Christian, changing religion is also an individual freedom guaranteed by the constitution, so it’s okay to change. However, I want to say that a specific religion is not the essence of the problem.
Q: Thank you.
Coping with loneliness after husband’s infidelity
Q: Three years ago, I witnessed my husband’s infidelity while I was pregnant. Afterward, he apologized for his actions and tried hard to make amends, but I was emotionally overwhelmed by the stress of experiencing this for the first time and expressed my feelings to him without restraint. As a result, it seems he found it difficult, and for the past year and a half, he has been asking for a divorce. Since then, I’ve done a lot of self-reflection and listened to many of Ven. Pomnyun Sunim’s teachings, deciding to accept all of my husband’s opinions.
Although we live as a weekend couple, these days he rarely comes home, saying he’s busy with work. I’m grateful for the angelic child by my side and am trying to live happily. Nevertheless, loneliness occasionally creeps in. How should I manage my momentary desires to meet other men? Even in this situation where my husband is absent, if I’m happy, can my child grow up without feeling any lack?
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: First, let me address the issue concerning your child. If you feel lonely and a sense of lack due to your husband’s absence, your child may also be hurt or develop trauma from not having a father. The child might also develop resentment toward the father for making their mother lonely.
However, if you can live alone happily without feeling any loneliness, it won’t be a problem for your child at all. You should understand that your child will adopt about 90 per cent of your psychological state. Of course, as the child grows, they will develop their own thoughts and may experience hurt accordingly, but when they’re young, they are closely connected to their mother and are therefore mostly influenced by her.
Setting aside the child issue for now, the fact that your husband had an affair must have been a huge shock. Due to this shock, you became stressed and reacted sensitively, expressing those emotions for a long time. Initially, your husband might have begged for forgiveness, saying, “I was wrong. Please forgive me,” but when this situation repeats, human psychology tends to develop resistance. So it leads to thoughts such as, “Well, I don’t know. What do you want me to do? Isn’t divorce the only option?”
It’s the same when educating children. From a mother’s perspective, she might think the child has done 10 things wrong and scold them accordingly, but the child often thinks they’ve only done five things wrong. At first, the child might think they were wrong, but after being scolded for 10 things, they’ll feel it’s unfair to be scolded to this extent and develop resistance. When resistance develops, the educational effect is lost. Because the child is young, they might just endure the scolding for now, but as they grow, they will express that sense of unfairness. If you cover up wrongdoings, the child’s behavior worsens, but if you scold them according to your temperament, the child may be hurt.
So what should we do? We shouldn’t scold based on our emotions. We need to understand that children are still young, so these things can happen, yet also understand that if we leave things as they are, their habits might worsen, so we need to enlighten the child. We shouldn’t scold as a way to vent our emotions. The mother needs to consider how much criticism is needed for the child to reflect and approach it from an educational perspective. Otherwise, the child will be hurt.
It’s the same with your husband. Because you dealt with him emotionally to relieve your anger, your husband forgot about his wrongdoing and instead developed resistance. If your husband says, “Fine, let’s get divorced then,” you might suddenly feel scared and say, “I was wrong.” You shouldn’t approach it this way. You haven’t done anything wrong. It was your husband who made a mistake by having an affair. If your husband admits his mistake and begs for forgiveness, promising never to do it again, you should accept his apology thinking, “Although I’m hurt, this man is still better than other men.” Then you can forget about the past and continue your married life well.
However, if you think, “No matter how rich he is, how handsome he is, or even if he’s the father of my child, I don’t want to live with someone who looks at other women besides me,” then you need to clearly define your position. This is not about money, but truly about your life, so you should tell your husband, “You might have made such a mistake but I don’t want to live with these feelings, so let’s get divorced.”
Right now, your position between these two options is unclear. You’re hesitant to divorce because you’re not confident about raising your child alone, but you also feel bad about just accepting your husband back. You’re constantly trying to juggle these two conflicting interests, which is why you’re experiencing distress.
If you think it’s better to continue the marriage despite your husband’s mistake, you should stop bringing up the issue. If you keep bringing it up, the other person might react by saying, “Then what do you want me to do? Are you saying we should break up after all?” and end up being even more aggressive. There’s an old saying that the one who farted speaks the loudest. This is exactly that kind of reactive psychology.
If you had forgiven your husband and put the incident behind you, your husband’s current behavior would be a separate issue. You’re still a young woman, but your husband doesn’t come home and is out and about claiming to be doing business. The question is whether you need to maintain this kind of married life. This is a separate issue from what we discussed earlier and pertains to what kind of life you want to live.
Don’t discuss the past. One approach could be to say, “Since you’re having affairs, I’ll also seek happiness with other men.” However, this approach risks escalating the conflict and is not good for the child’s upbringing. So don’t hold back. Call your husband and make this request: “I feel very lonely because you’re away from home and don’t come back. It’s too lonely to just look at our child all day. Your business is important, but for the sake of me and our children, please increase the frequency of your visits home.”
Try making this request sincerely once, twice, three times. Don’t demand too strongly; make small requests and if it’s not enough, request again. Try to make an effort to resolve the situation. At times like these, being honest is best. If your husband shows some change and it becomes bearable to live together, maintain the relationship as it is. If your husband shows no signs of improvement and continues to live as he pleases, you need to make a choice. First, if you feel that as a woman, not just as a mother, you absolutely cannot live with such a man, you can divorce and discuss arrangements for child-rearing. Second, if you think, “Even if I divorce and live alone, there’s no better solution. I have a child, and it’s complicated to meet another man now,” then you might have to accept living together despite his shortcomings, considering he’s the child’s father and occasionally fulfills his role as a husband. You need to decide between these two options.
Before that, first honestly tell your husband about your difficulties. Say, “I’m not bringing up the past, but I’m currently facing these difficulties, so please consider them.” Don’t think it will hurt your pride. If you divorce without going through this process, you might have regrets later. If you continue living together without going through this process, dissatisfaction will build up inside you. First, try your best to make an effort. If there’s improvement, that’s fortunate. If there’s no improvement, you need to make a decision. Decide whether to divorce or to accept and live with the fact that there’s no improvement, thinking “This is still better.” If you do this, you won’t have complaints because it was your choice. It would be good to follow this perspective and go through the procedures one by one.
Q: I will talk to my husband honestly. Thank you.
* Buddhist Monk Ven. Pomnyun Sunim Awarded the 37th Niwano Peace Prize (BDG)
See more
Pomnyun
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