The Korean Seon (Zen) master Venerable Pomnyun Sunim (법륜스님) wears many hats: Buddhist monk, teacher, author, environmentalist, and social activist, to name a few.* As a widely respected Dharma teacher and a tireless socially engaged activist in his native South Korea, Ven. Pomnyun Sunim has founded numerous Dharma-based organizations, initiatives, and projects that are active across the world. Among them, Jungto Society, a volunteer-based community founded on the Buddhist teachings and expressing equality, simple living, and sustainability, is dedicated to addressing modern social issues that lead to suffering, including environmental degradation, poverty, and conflict.
This column, shared by Jungto Society, presents highlights from Ven. Pomnyun Sunim’s writings, teachings, public talks, and regular live-streamed Dharma Q+A sessions, which are accessible across the globe.
The following teachings were given on 14 September 2024 in Seattle.
Living well
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: I arrived in Seattle today. This trip has been quite long. First, I attended a symposium on sin, guilt, and remorse organized by the International Association of Psychology in Switzerland. Then, I traveled through Germany, Turkey, Syria, Bhutan, Australia, New Zealand, East Timor, and finally arrived here in Seattle, USA.
We have more comfortable lives than people in underdeveloped countries, yet we feel frustrated and suffer in our current reality without hope for the future. Seeing this, we must consider what it truly means to live well.
I lost my husband
Q: I lost my husband a couple of months ago and I’m having a hard time figuring out who I am. I’d like to hear your wisdom on how to navigate through the stress that I have of being alone and taking care of everything that I didn’t have to take care of before.
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: Are you worried about your deceased husband? Or are you worried about living alone from now on?
Q: Yes, I’m probably more concerned about myself right now because I believe he’s on his next journey. And so for me the difficulty is moving on and just the closure of our relationship, and for me to feel happy again and strong and handling things that I’ve never had to handle before.
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: Didn’t you live alone before you got married?
Q: I did live alone.
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: What’s the problem with living alone now that your husband has passed away? If living alone is difficult, you can remarry. If being married was hard, then living alone should be comfortable and good. There’s no problem at all.
Q: Okay, if you say so. Thank you.
The questioner’s face brightened after hearing Sunim’s words, and she sat down with a broad smile.
I feel exhausted caring for my sick husband
Q: My problem is kind of opposite to hers. I have a sick husband. He’s been sick for about 15 years, and everybody is nice to him, but I’m kind of getting tired of him. He’s become selfish. I used to feel sorry and empathy for him, but lately, I have been feeling tired and angry. I feel like he is selfish and does not think about me and my feelings. I’m out of patience, and I don’t know what to do. Today seems like a good time to get a better answer or maybe new energy or something.
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: People these days break up even with healthy partners, so what’s so difficult about leaving a sick husband?
Q: Yeah, that’s the problem. I can’t leave him, but I’m struggling.
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: Why can’t you leave?
Q: Because he’s getting really sick. He has a brain tumor, and he’s going to be bedridden soon and unable to move. So it’s kind of hard for me. I feel like I’d become a really bad person.
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: There’s nothing you can’t leave. You can just leave. It’s not that you can’t leave. It’s that you’re choosing not to leave. You could go right now if you wanted to.
It’s not that you can’t leave; it’s that you’re not leaving. This is your choice. This isn’t a command from God, nor is it karma from a past life, nor is it a matter of destiny or compatibility. You’re simply choosing not to leave.
Q: But if I leave, after I leave, if my kids are pointing at me and really mad and they don’t want to see me anymore. Then what should I do?
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: Yes, of course, from the children’s perspective that might be the case. If their mother left while their father was sick, they would naturally resent their mother. That’s to be expected. You’re currently struggling with caring for your sick husband, but you’re afraid your children will hate you if you leave. You’re weighing the pros and cons between facing your children’s resentment and continuing to care for your sick husband.
Q: I just want to hear some good words or encouragement to stay with my husband.
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: You don’t have an absolute obligation to care for your husband. The easiest solution would be to just leave. In an era when people leave their partners even when they’re healthy and wealthy simply because they’re not satisfied, what’s the issue with leaving a sick husband? No child wants their parents to divorce, yet people divorce without considering their children’s feelings when they’re unhappy, don’t they?
When people are considering divorce but have second thoughts, they tell me, “I want to get divorced, but I can’t because of the children.” Sometimes they say, “After hearing your advice, I decided not to divorce, but now I think I should because it’s having a negative impact on the children.” They make the decision to divorce or not divorce themselves, while using their children as an excuse. Using children as an excuse isn’t truly considering them. If you really cared about your children, you wouldn’t consider divorce in the first place.
Right now, you’re conflicted between what seems beneficial in the present—leaving your husband—and what might be more advantageous in the future. You need to first establish your own perspective: “The reason I’m staying now is because I’ve chosen to, believing it’s better in this situation.” Only then can you move on to the next step of deciding what to do going forward.
Q: Actually, I want to stay next to him. But I’m just having a hard time. So I need some good words or encouragement or something. Yeah, haha. I never thought about leaving him, you know, but it’s kind of a story going weird.
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: No, the conversation is going well. (Laughs) Let me ask you something: do you feel more irritated when you’re healthy or when you’re sick? Do you feel more irritated when things go your way or when they don’t? When you’re physically uncomfortable and have difficulty moving, do you find yourself waiting for your husband or children to come home quickly? Or when you’re comfortably at home watching TV, feeling perfectly fine both physically and mentally, do you find yourself eagerly waiting for those who are out to come back home?
You’re healthy now, and your husband is sick. Your husband is at home, needing your help and waiting for you to come back quickly, while you’re busy earning money. So who do you think is more likely to feel irritated? Will your husband feel more irritated with you, or will you feel more irritated with your husband? Logically speaking, do you think a sick person is more likely to feel irritated, or a healthy person?”
Q: Yeah, sick people.
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: Let me ask you one more question in a different way. Would you prefer to be sick, lying in bed and feeling irritated with your husband? Or would you prefer to be healthy, taking care of your husband and dealing with his irritation?”
Q: The second.
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: Right. It’s only natural for your husband to be irritable, and your position is better than being in his shoes. Given that you’ve decided not to leave your husband, what’s the problem with your current situation being better than his? No matter how much your husband feels irritated, you should think, “Oh, I’m fortunate that I’m not sick.”
But right now, you’re thinking, “I go out to earn money, take care of him, and look after the children, but my husband doesn’t appreciate me and gets irritated whenever he sees me.” That’s why it’s hard. If your husband said, “Let’s switch places. You can be sick and lie in bed, and I’ll take care of the children, earn money, and nurse you,” would you be willing to switch?
Q: No. But right now he’s kind of a kid. He’s not adult anymore.
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: When people are sick, they become like children. What does it mean to be like a child? It means not being able to do things for oneself. Sick people can’t do things for themselves. Even the elderly become childlike because they can’t do things for themselves. It’s not just young age that makes someone childlike; anyone who can’t take care of themselves becomes like a child. Whenever you feel this way, try thinking, “I’m fortunate that I’m not sick.”
Q; That’s not enough for me. I’m at the bottom right now. So I thank you, anyway.
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: You’re only thinking about how difficult it is right now, which is making you consider leaving your husband. Try changing your perspective. We don’t know if this situation will last for one year, two years, or three years, but if your husband is sick for a long time, you might regret staying. If he dies quickly, you might regret leaving.
Instead, try thinking, “The longer my husband lives, the better.” Try choosing to stay with that mindset. Always remember, “The sick person is suffering more. Even one more day of life is good for the children.”
Especially in the terminal stage, the pain becomes severe, causing more irritability. So try saying to your husband, “Honey, it’s hard, but please try to live a bit longer for the children.” No matter how difficult it is for you, it’s not as hard as the pain your husband is enduring. And if you’re still unsure, then leave.
There are only two paths: first, you can comfort yourself by thinking about the person who is suffering more, or second, you can continue to suffer because of this difficulty. Do you want to live while suffering? Or live lightly? These are your only choices, excluding the option of leaving.”
Q: Okay.
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: I fully understand that the situation is difficult. If it’s hard, you can leave, but why can’t you? The point is that not leaving is also your choice. If you’ve made a choice, you need to take responsibility for the consequences. At that point, you can choose to live while suffering or to live without suffering. The choice between these two is all that remains.
The path without suffering is to understand that the sick person is having a harder time than you. No matter how hard you work outside, when he feels irritable, it’s because he’s in a more difficult situation than you. So you should willingly comfort him by saying, “Honey, did you wait long?” If you don’t want to do that, you can leave.
Q: Yes. Thank you.
The questioner sat down with a broad smile on her face. The audience applauded loudly to show their support.
Living independently
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: The Buddha’s teachings are not special doctrines, but a dialogue about moving from a state of suffering to a state without suffering. In India, this is called nirvana. The goal of practice is to reach nirvana. The goal of practice is not to go to a good place after death or to receive some kind of blessing. Buddhism guides us to live freely without suffering while we’re alive.
Right now, most of you are using your energy to torment yourselves. You can’t live your life on your own, so you’re always asking others for help. You even ask for help from God and Buddha.
Look at nature. Even small insects live their own lives. Rabbits and squirrels all live their own lives. The only exception is when they’re young. So you too should stop asking others for help and live on your own.
If you only stop tormenting yourself, you’ll have enough energy to live on your own and have some left over. We should use that excess energy to help those in need. A practitioner is someone who is self-reliant while also helping others, even if just a little. I hope you live such a free life.
* Buddhist Monk Ven. Pomnyun Sunim Awarded the 37th Niwano Peace Prize (BDG)
See more
Pomnyun
Jungto Society
JTS Korea
JTS America
International Network of Engaged Buddhists
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