In my previous article, we explored what Thích Nhất Hạnh meant when he said that his first love “became transformed into something much more powerful.” Initially, his love for the nun involved attachment and inner conflict. It was, however, gradually transformed through his bodhicitta, monastic aspiration, and practice.
The inner conflict had already begun to transform within a day of their first meeting, as they talked only about continuing their practice as monastics. Their subsequent separation also gave their love time and space to mature. Over time, his attachment gradually transformed into compassion and loving-kindness.
As Thích Nhất Hạnh devoted himself to supporting the monastic community, his love for the nun grew stronger and larger, extending beyond their personal relationship. He came to see her in the many monks and nuns he encountered.
This transformation reflects the insights of interbeing and non-self: we are made of countless elements beyond ourselves, and no relationship exists in isolation. The nun had become part of Thích Nhất Hạnh, just as those he encountered became part of him. His first love thus continued to evolve, extending beyond one person as he supported the monastic community and served society.
In this article, we will conclude this series by exploring how Thích Nhất Hạnh brought this love story to a close, and how it can deepen our understanding of the Dharma.
What happened next?
In Part 1 of this series, we traced the story of Thích Nhất Hạnh’s first love from their first meeting and the struggle between love and monastic aspiration to their eventual separation. They exchanged letters after the nun left for Hanoi. When she returned to Huế in 1954, Thích Nhất Hạnh continued writing to her, but received no reply.
Two years later, he traveled to Huế, expecting to meet her. He had written to let her know he was coming and assumed she would arrange to visit him. However, she never appeared. He eventually discovered that she had never received his letters and did not even know he was in Huế.
At that point, the story seemed to have no clear ending, leaving us wondering what happened next. Who was the nun, why did she not receive his letters, and did they ever meet again? Yet Thích Nhất Hạnh said:
I will end the story of my first love here. What happened next continues today. When you are serene—smiling, breathing in and out mindfully—I know that you understand. But when you are stuck in the notion of a self, a person, a living being, or a life span, you cannot understand the nature of my true love. . . .
Let us examine what he meant by this.
First love has no beginning
In Parts 2 and 3, we explored how Thích Nhất Hạnh turned his first love story into a Dharma teaching on interbeing and non-self.
He explained that the nun was made of “non-she” elements, just as he himself was made of “non-me” elements. These elements had been meeting long before the two met, showing that neither of them existed independently of the conditions that had shaped who they were.
This demonstrated that his love for the nun did not actually begin at their first meeting. First love, therefore, is not really the “first.” In other words, his first love did not truly have a beginning.
First love has no end
As the nun had become a “non-me” element of Thích Nhất Hạnh, she continued to shape his life. He, therefore, began to see her everywhere. His first love was no longer confined to the nun, but was inseparable from all the monks and nuns he met. His love for her continued to evolve, extending beyond one person as he supported the monastic community and served society. In other words, his first love did not truly have an end.
What happened next is up to you
If we see the nun and Thích Nhất Hạnh as separate individuals and believe that their relationship began with their first meeting and ended when they lost contact, then we have yet to understand the teaching on interbeing and non-self. That is why Thích Nhất Hạnh said, “But when you are stuck in the notion of a self, a person, a living being, or a lifespan, you cannot understand the nature of my true love.”
Each one of us is made of countless non-self elements. When we encounter this love story, it becomes part of us and will continue to shape our lives. That is why Thích Nhất Hạnh said, “What happened next continues today.”
This was his response to the questions raised above:
You may ask, “What happened next?” What happened next is up to you. If you ask, “What is her name? Where is she now?,” you might as well ask, “Who is Thầy? What has happened to him?” This story is happening to you and to me right now.
With the insight of interbeing, we will see that the nun and Thích Nhất Hạnh (Thầy, the Vietnamese word for “teacher,” is how his followers address him) have become part of us as non-self elements, which continue to shape our lives. This story is, therefore, still happening right now. He further explained:
Please look into the river of your own life, and see the many streams that have entered it, that nourish and support you. If you see the self beyond the self, the person beyond the person, the living being beyond the living being, the life span beyond the life span, you will see that you are me, and you are also her.
When we truly understand the teaching, we will see that those questions are irrelevant. That is why Thích Nhất Hạnh said, “When you are serene—smiling, breathing in and out mindfully—I know that you understand.”
Final thoughts
In Part 1, I shared that when I first encountered this unexpected account of Thích Nhất Hạnh’s first love, I wondered why he told us about it—not only because monastics seldom talk about their own love stories within monastic life, but also because the story was shared by a renowned Zen master.
Thích Nhất Hạnh provided an answer, which touched me deeply. He said:
Monks do not usually share stories like this, but I think it is important to do so. Otherwise, how will the younger generation know what to do when they are struck? As a monk, you are not supposed to fall in love, but sometimes love is stronger than your determination.
He had many ways to present the Dharma, yet he chose to use this deeply personal story, although it could be misunderstood and invite criticism. I was touched by his compassion—he shared his vulnerable experiences so that young people could benefit. I was struck by his wisdom—he skillfully presented the story to make the Dharma relevant to our daily lives.
Through this story, I understand why his teachings have touched so many people around the world. His insights into love, compassion, mindfulness, and interbeing were not abstract philosophies; they were grounded in lived experience and tested in moments of vulnerability.
References
Thích Nhất Hạnh. 2008. Cultivating the Mind of Love. Berkeley, California: Parallax Press.
Related features from BDG
Thích Nhất Hạnh’s First Love Story, Part 1
Thích Nhất Hạnh’s First Love Story, Part 2
Thích Nhất Hạnh’s First Love Story, Part 3
