Years ago, I asked my Lama about a tumultuous relationship I was in. I described my boyfriend’s actions, my reactions, and my general emotional upheaval at that time. I remember her regarding me for a few moments and then asking me a surprising question. She asked, “Is this the way you want to behave?”
I felt the answer inside: no. I had lost my own boat’s rudder.
I have applied this essential question to countless situations since that conversation more than 20 years ago. Embedded in it is the core of the Buddha’s teachings. Am I watching my own mind? What am I noticing? Am I in charge of my own actions? Therein lies any power we might have to manage, change, or control our own experience. Emotionally, somatically, spiritually, and interpersonally, we do have agency over how we behave. In fact, it is only our own thoughts, actions, feelings, and reactions that we can hope to have any management over. And likely, this comes only through the effort of meditation and other means of harnessing our inner and outer capacities.
I personally don’t like to use the word control. As an educator and longtime schoolteacher, parents and other educators have often asked me how I control the situation in a classroom. My answer remains that this is the wrong mindset. We don’t control children! We don’t control anyone. We can’t even fully control ourselves—at least at the level of our emotional arisings and our physical sensations. We can only very quickly adjust them by practicing through meditation. Meditation involves noticing and attention, as well as the embodied exercise of seeing our own sensations as they arise and subside.
We can only really notice things as they happen internally or externally and immediately react in more embodied ways with agency. This comes with practicing meditation over time, just like practicing piano or woodworking or physical exercise builds capacity and familiarity. I’ve met very few people in my life who had such wholesome and healthy young lives that they effortlessly transformed into wholesome and healthy adults. These seem few and far between but those few that I have met have helped me tremendously by their example and gentle guidance.
Meditation, calm, and agency, these are our human birthright. Pain is part of life, but suffering is optional! In a recent conversation with Amita Schmidt, the author of Dipa Ma, The Life and Legacy of a Buddhist Master (BlueBridge 2005), she shared a few thoughts about what we can do to find agency. Particularly in this current moment in time, our society in many ways has become confused, contentious, and challenging. This greatly affects people’s thoughts, sensations, emotions, and actions, leaving no choice but to take the reins of our own mind and heart even more strongly. The following are a few nuggets of wisdom from our recent nourishing conversation around facing these extra-challenging times.
It’s vital to come back to the question, what do I want? What are a couple things I want to learn from this time? If this feels like total chaos, and we’re asking what will happen, then our work is to ask ourselves, what do I want to learn? So, every day, even every hour, we need to cultivate a spiritually orienting principle.* If I want to learn something, then I need to write it down to focus on what my goal is for internal learning and growth. Knowing what this is, I can focus on it every day, learning fearlessness or equanimity. Further, committing to not going down rabbit holes or social media tunnels, or, conversely, to committing to love all beings! Perhaps I want to learn more about social activism. Then this serves as a guidepost, every day, month, and year. This counteracts chaos by having a guiding principle. Write it down! This is the rudder on your boat, an orienting principle or North Star to form our core or spine around. Meditation and compassion are not two separate things.
Every day I check on this—am I doing something today to learn about fearlessness or to help others in tangible ways in my community? It’s important to cultivate deeper human greatness in this time, not only to strive for more personal gain. Community brings solace, purpose, and connection.
Meditation master Dipa Ma never let her goal of waking up, of wanting to know the wisdom path leave her mind or her practice. She never let that out of her sight even though she was prevented about 50 times from even beginning to engage in meditation. We can use our life each day, each month, even every hour to hold on to our guiding principle. What it is we want to learn inside. When our motivation is compassion and freedom from suffering for all beings, it raises our intention beyond our own personal suffering. Otherwise, we’re going to cultivate confusion, more fear and insularity. The world and our own personal spheres do not need any more of these qualities! We have plenty of these experiences already.
What the world needs is less hatred and hopelessness. More care and empathy in action. Let us be role models for our children and peers, even for our perceived enemies. Taking hold of our internal boat’s rudder and navigation system to orient toward true kindness.
* Notes from conversation with Amita Schmidt
References
Schmidt, Amy. 2005. Dipa Ma: The Life and Legacy of a Buddhist Master. New York: BlueBridge Press.
See more
Dipa Ma’s Dharma Talks (Dharmaseed)
Amita Schmidt
Related features from BDG
Raising Healthy Children
Buddhistdoor View: The 2024 US Election – Politics, Power, and Compassion
Children in Lockdown: The Need for a More Mindful Approach to Education
A Buddhist Vision for Education Reform: The Blue Lion Preschool, Inspired by Dzongsar Khyentse Rinpoche
Education Versus the Employment Factory
